Friday, 27 February 2009

The Llew and the Japanese Pirhouette

And now as the mists over the veil of time opens and the older synapses fire up, the name John Llewellyn, the Llew or as he was known in the early days of UK CB the Smiler slowly fights its way to the surface.

A cruel twist of fate happened to John as he was born with no common sense gland. He was to Road Safety what Enola Gay was to Hiroshima. His first vehicle was a black Morris Traveller with air horns fitted under the bonnet. If you're reading this in the colonies, the bonnet is the proper term for the front bit of the car where the engine goes.

Just under 6 hours after passing his driving test, while travelling at a speed of about 30 MPH on the approach to a bend he decided to change gear. He looked down at the gear-stick to try and work out which way to point it and collided with a lamp post putting most of the street lights out.

Just outside the Bont there was an establishment that we locals called a nightclub, it was more like a large front room with a big stereo system and a bar to be honest and John used to visit this regularly. One night on his way back home, he entered a 90 degree bend at a speed somewhat in excess of the capabilities of the vehicle, turned the steering wheel to the right and the Morris at this point lost cohesion with the road surface and went straight through the hedge.

The following day the vehicle was towed back home and a new radiator fitted and it was as good as it could be. Undeterred, he attempted the same corner the following week at similar speed with similar results. Again a new radiator was fitted and the car assumed it's position as the feared dreadnought of the Bont.

Amazingly, the sequence of events was repeated again the following week and I had the pleasure of helping get the car back home with John. We stopped on the Fforest hill at Ray the Sprays establishment which was located about half a mile from the twin peaks of Kilimanjaro or Carol John as she was more commonly known. John had decided to bring his nephew with him and we left him in my car for a few minutes as we spoke to Ray in case he hurt himself in the spray shop.

We explained to Ray that we couldn't stop for long due to the occupant of the car. At that point a blood curdling scream came from outside. We ran out to see what had happened, there was a large blister on the lads finger and after he stopped crying he told us that he had pushed a button on the dashboard (the cigarette lighter). It had popped out and he removed it and saw a lovely red glow which he decided to probe with his finger.

Some time later the Morris gave up totally despite our best attempts at making it Llew proof and he assumed control of his brothers Datsun 160.

One cold icy December night, John was following another friend called Phil or the Cobra down the main road of Hendy at about 80 MPH and about 2 inches from the bumper of Phil's renault 5. As I said above, it was Icey and cars were parked outside peoples houses on both sides of the road.

As a jolly jape, Phil touched his brake pedal to make the lights flash on and John with lightning swift  reactions of a drugged armadillo stood on the break pedal. It was at this point that the Datsun started to spin on its axis while travelling downhill between lines of parked cars. Somehow, he missed everyone and eventually came to a stop.

For some reason, John started to visit Bournemouth with another friend, the other chap had not passed his driving test and one night he managed to talk John into allowing him to drive the car. If memory serves me correctly, John was over the limit and so was the other fella. Travelling along the roads of Bournemouth somewhat in excess of the speed limit, they soon attracted the attention of the local constabulary and blue flashing lights were noticed in the mirror of the Datsun.

John suddenly realised that he was the only one in the car with  licence, both him and the driver were slightly drunk and he came up with an idea. He would change seats with the driver without stopping so that he could only be done for the offence of drunk driving. Unfortunately for John, the changeover was only partly accomplished with John under the other chap sitting astride the front seats with his hands on the steering wheel while the other controlled the pedals when the police pulled along side.

Needless to say, John was banned from driving for quite some time.

The veils are closing again now, when they re-open I will write some more.