Thursday, 2 February 2017

Getting Old

OK, I'm getting on a bit but I still leap out of bed in the morning and then spend half an hour waiting for the muscle spasms to go away, I see people in shops and see older people and think I must have been in school with your son/daughter and then realise I was actually in school with them and so the other night, I was watching Grand Tour  in which Jeremy Clarkson was talking about the signs of getting old. 

His main suggestion was that if you stopped trying to race a train that was driving by the side of the road it was time to give up. While this is a sign of impending temporal termination there are many more other serious indications, I 'll go through these below.

Not trying to race a helicopter.

When in a car by yourself, not asking permission from the space station controller to dock while parking at the local supermarket.

Walking round the supermarket and not pretending that the trolley handle is a twist grip and you are in fact in control of a motorbike, boat, tank and so on.

When you enter a shop that has an inside and outside door, you don't pretend it's an airlock anymore.

Not speaking the phrase "activate station keeping thrusters Mr Sulu" when applying the handbrake at traffic lights.

You pick up a fountain and you don't take the top off and say "Open Channel D".

Not putting full beam on when it snows and pretending to go into warp drive.

Looking in a clothes shop window and thinking, that's a nice cardigan.

Buying the cardigan.

Buying corduroy trousers to go with the cardigan.

We now go onto the more serious signs.....

While walking round a store, you whistle some random tune at random intervals.

Sitting down with your car keys in your hand, rattling the keys continuously in time with some unheard and random beat.

Doing the same with change in your pocket.

And now the final sign of that your life as a man has come to an end, once you reach this stage give up. 

Send yourself off Dignitas as you're not going to last much longer.

You open the Littlewoods / Grattan catalogue and the first thing you do is turn to look at the watches instead of the ladies lingerie pages. Once your here, look out around for the man with the scythe, it's time to go.