Saturday, 27 May 2017

Modern Day Music

I've done my best to listen to the stuff that's in the charts these day and let me tell you something, overall it's absolute rubbish, generally there's some talentless person featuring another talentless person, one shouts and the other warbles like a canary on speed in a helium filled mine.

Most of the dross that's in the charts these daycs can be blamed on Sparky the Magic Piano, Cher,  Deborah Harry Beyonce and Mariah Carey.

Let's start with the wonderful Deborah Harry who gave the world one of the first hit tunes with a bit of rapping in it, I refer to the tune Rapture. This spurred people into making more records, I won't say tunes as there generally isn't one and went onto create the genre known as R.A.P. This stands for Rubbish Angry Poetry and the C at the start for Complete is of course silent. There's the odd exception to this such as Gangsta's Paradise featuring the stupidly named Coolio, which I believe is a make of a Welsh refrigeration unit. Most attempts  at C-RAPping rhyme Rolls Royce with Voice somewhere in the lyrics or use the same word in the next line as it's far too hard for the scribbler (I can't say writer) to come up with another rhyming word, I use an extract from the Pussy Cat Dolls feat Busta Rhymes here.


You're the very reason why I keep a pack ah the Magnum
An wit the wagon hit chu in the back of tha magnum

You may notice that there are some words in these two lines, I'm not really sure why someone would like to keep some Walls Ice Cream in the back of their Dodge, it won't take long to melt.

The videos for this rubbish generally feature stupidly dressed people wearing absurd amounts of gold with baseball caps on the wrong way round moving around in way that suggest that they are getting insufficient air to their armpits. They generally have stupid names like Snoop Doggy Dog, I remember him as a puppy and then of course there are people like M & M, named after a sweet and a complete an utter waste of an ejaculation.

We'll now move onto Sparky the Magic Piano, basically with sparky, his sounds were fed down a hosepipe into someones mouth, the mouth sang a tune and a sort of bit of music happened. This was expanded on by people like the Electric Light Orchestra and then Cher came out with Believe, which took her vocals and send them to some equipment which changed the pitch, this switch around made it possible to make a song and I use the word song loosely, in which a talentless tone deaf person appeared to be singing. But of course you know that a machine has changed the pitch of what they are trying to say, it may also help them breathe and lick windows. This was taken to a new height by someone called Bill.He.Is. That's not his name of course, his real name is Tosser.I.Am.

Beyonce decided that as she can't hold a tune together she would wear as little as possible and shout, making people think she has some talent, this of course was taken up by other people such as Katy Perry and other annoyances.

And lastly we have Mariah Carey, why use one note when twelvty can do. The queen of annoying warblers who completely wrecked Without You, so many other male and female artists have decided to copy her and warble like a demented budgie who has just overdosed on some alchohol soaked millet. 

There are still some good bands and artists out there that can actually sing and produce good music with having to add the word explicit to their track to encourage sales. I have just looked at the UK top 40 and to be fair, it's not easy to spot anyone in that list but there must be.

I really do wish the world would go back to proper music where people were musicians, where they could sing and you could understand things, where the word ask is pronounced as ask and not aks.

And so, I have a musical venture in mind, I want to get a group of musicians together who are now suffering from an ailment that comes from sitting on cold walls for too longs and having a diet too low in fibre. I'm basing the concept on a George Harrison idea, the name of the band will be...

The Travelling Dangleberries

Some of the tracks will be reworkings of the original bands hits such as.

The Dangleberry Twist, referring to the movement carried out to help release.

Handle With Care, referring to the delicate cleaning carried out following release.

Inside Out, an accident that can happen due to too much pushing.

Heading For The Light, the tale of the journey of a motion from it's beginning to it's emergence.

Like A Ship, what happens when bran starts working.

You Took My Breath Away, the happy outcome of a successful motion.

And lastly a rework of the Pink Floyd classic, The Dogs of War, this track will be the title track of the new album.

The Grapes of Wrath by the Travelling Dangleberries.


See what happens when I've had too much wine.